Public
Protocol and Dress
Written By
Sir Real
|
|
We have a serious problem in our
community. We've been slowly losing the many traditional protocols that
have long made our lifestyle what it is. While the gay community still has it's formal leather
play parties, pansexual play venues have typically been much more lax about
dress requirements and the enforcement of public protocol. At most pansexual play parties, you can pretty much dress any
way you like if you just wear black. Our pansexual play spaces have
gradually become places where you see very few people practicing formal protocol,
and even fewer respecting those that do. Mostly what you see is
a lot of socializing between folks new to the lifestyle and clueless about
formal protocols.
That's not to say there's
no interest from the newer folks in learning protocol. The huge number
of Gorean web pages on the Internet provides ample evidence of interest in
protocol by novices. But who will teach our protocols and lead by example?
With the large influx of new people to our play
spaces who either don't understand the importance of protocols or don't
care, the folks that practice protocols and
ritual in their lives are slowly stepping away from public
play. Consequently, we see less protocol in our play spaces, and the
role models we all could learn from are becoming less and less
accessible. In my opinion, this needs to change.
This page is presented as
an aid to help folks that are new to the leather scene understand the more
basic public protocols and dress codes that are found in formal leather gatherings. The
pansexual community has not generally been held to a formal standard of
dress and protocol, and this has led to less knowledge of protocol within
our community. Formal fetish dress brings a sense of unity and belonging to our events. Protocol
brings a sense of commitment and continuity, and helps to define who we are
as a community. Hopefully, as our community establishes events
where more formal
dress and protocols are practiced, we will regain
the wonderful traditions and headspace of those that came before us.
The protocols that follow
are not set in stone. Their roots are Old Guard
which is the most prevalent protocol in the Atlanta community, but there are
flavorings and allowances for other protocols as well. Mostly, they
are built on common sense, good manners, and respect for others. When
going to a specific event, always check to see if their particular protocols
and dress codes are more restrictive than what follows.
|
Proper
Fetish Dress
Tops/Dominants
Suggested Male Basic Attire:
Black t-shirt, blue or black jeans (long pants, no shorts), black leather belt (the wider the better), black leather work/combat boots
(shined), or anything indicative of your protocol and station. Optional: Jock strap, black leather vest, black leather pants, black leather chaps, black leather
jacket, flogger worn from left side of belt, army fatigue style pants and/or army green
t-shirt, keys hanging from your belt on the left (hanging loose if
looking, tucked in pocket if not), biker style headgear, black leather
arm bands on left arm, and Master's Hat.
Suggested Female Basic Attire:
Boots, leather shoes or heels, jeans, chaps, dresses, corsets, or
anything indicative of your protocol and station. Optional:
black leather vest, black leather pants, black leather chaps, black leather
jacket, flogger worn from left side of belt, army fatigue style pants and/or army green
t-shirt, keys hanging from your belt on the left (hanging loose if
looking, tucked in pocket if not), biker style headgear,
black leather arm bands.
Bottoms/Submissives
Suggested Male Basic Attire:
White or leather jock strap, black leather work/combat boots (shined), white socks
pulled over the tops of boots, or anything indicative of your protocol and
station.
Optional: T-shirt, leather shorts, short
boy chaps, leather harness (straps under 1" in width), black leather
arm bands (right side only), black leather belt, keys on belt on right side
(hanging loose if looking, tucked in pocket if not)
Suggested Female Basic Attire:
Thong or G-string, garters, leather boots/shoes, or anything indicative of
your protocol and station.
Optional: corsets, stockings, dresses (black and revealing).
General Attire Details:
-
T-shirts may have small scene oriented
logos or text.
-
Leather vests may have patches and pins from leather
clubs or events attended.
-
Studs or decorations should be kept
to a minimum.
-
If you're an available bottom looking
for attention from Tops, wearing a collar for fashion isn't a good
idea. Generally speaking, a collar is representative of being in a
relationship, so most Tops won't show much interest in bottoms wearing
collars.
-
You should never mix brown leather
with black leather.
-
You should never mix chrome/silver
trim with gold/brass trim.
-
Head gear should be worn only by
Tops, and never inside. The brim of the Master's Hat should never
be touched, especially when putting it on or off. The hat should
never be held by the brim.
A note about "looks" seems to be appropriate
here, especially since so many folks are terrified of looking bad in their
initial forays into the lifestyle community. In our mass media society we often get bombarded with not so subtle messages about how we should all look like Ken or Barbie (e.g. slim, trim and fashionable).
Although it's always nice to have a nice body, in the leather lifestyle, much more emphasis is placed on how you act then on how you look.
The dress codes expressed here are much more about making a statement saying who you are
then about being fashionably good looking. When you dress appropriately as a dominant or a submissive, you are saying, "Here's who I am. I understand this lifestyle, I'm one of
you, and I know how to act correctly." While you'll often see ads in swinger magazines that start off with, "Young attractive couple looks for same...", you'll rarely see that same fixation on looking good and being young in BDSM circles.
On the other hand, if you act badly, that will get you noticed very quickly. That
brings us to the next topic... Proper Behavior
For Everyone
Basic good manners are the rule of the
day. Read and understand the Emily Post Rules of
Etiquette. It's hard to understate the importance of good manners. Everything that follows is built upon the foundation of knowing good manners.
You may think your manners are perfect, but I'd be willing to bet that almost all of us have "holes" in our behavior that we're not even aware of. Reading Emily Post will help you see things you never would have thought about otherwise.
When you come into a new dungeon space, take the time to learn the rules, meet the dungeon master, and get a tour of the facility.
If you're not well known in a dungeon and like extreme play, let the dungeon master know what you're going to be doing ahead of time so that he won't be faced with possibly interrupting your scene later on.
Avoid talking in play spaces, especially when scenes are in progress.
If you absolutely must speak, soft whispers into the ear of the other person are appropriate.
Keep in mind that when a scene is in progress, bottoms tend to be in a heightened
sense of awareness, and even whispers can often be heard. Nothing is
worse for headspace then overheard comments from the peanut gallery. Most places have public areas where socialization is allowed.
Limit your discussions to these areas.
When a scene is in progress, stay out of the way and don't interfere with it. If you have a VERY good reason to
interfere, wait quietly to the side for the Top to notice you, and to then
allow you to whisper what you need.
Although watching a scene is acceptable, be very careful about getting too close, or else you may end up injured.
If a Top in a scene asks you to move, do so immediately without
discussion. Aftercare is considered part of the scene, so do not go up to a
Top who is holding his bottom after intense play, and ask if they are through with the equipment.
When you are through playing and aftercare is complete, use the cleaning supplies provided to wipe down the equipment for the next
couple's use. Not only is this common courtesy, it's important in preventing the transmission of disease in our community.
If you are going to be making odd or unusually loud noises (i.e. hair clippers, whip cracking, loud screams, etc), play in a separate play space or wait until the end of the
evening when others have played and left. Distracting noises can be very detrimental to the headspace of those playing around you.
If you see something done in a scene that you consider unsafe, do not interrupt the scene.
Find the dungeon master or a staff member and report it. If it's a legitimate problem, they will deal with it.
If not, then you've saved yourself the embarrassment of interrupting a scene you didn't
fully understand.
Do not touch anyone else without specific permission. Even hugs for old friends should be done on an "ask first" basis.
Why? Because you may not be aware of a restriction in place or of an illness that
they may have. I t's always better to be respectful and to ask first.
As a general rule, don't touch anything that you didn't bring with you unless you get permission first.
This is especially true about touching another person's collar, toys, or
submissives.
Show respect to your elders. If you are young, and an older person arrives, give up your seat if necessary and help with carrying bulky or heavy items.
Tops/Dominants
 Your operative words are
"respectful", "polite", and "restrained".
Just because you're a dominant doesn't mean that every submissive in the room is there to serve you. The only submissive that you should expect service from is the one that you brought.
This includes expecting to be addressed as Sir/Ma'am or
Master/Mistress. There is nothing more embarrassing then being told off in public by a submissive that you decided to dominate inappropriately.
The
flip side to this is to allow your submissive as well as others that
want to follow protocol to act within protocol for you. For
example, instead of immediately getting the door for yourself, allow
them the opportunity to get it for you. Giving the submissives
around you a chance to act properly can be challenging, but it's well
worth the effort.
Remember that being a dominant is not a license to be an ass. For example, just because smoking is allowed doesn't mean you light up a cigar in tight quarters.
Be careful about not dominating conversations. You don't like it in others, and they don't like it in you.
In a room full of dominants, it's especially important to let everyone
have their turn to talk.
In general, it's the dominants that say the least that are thought of the most.
Make what you say count and keep it brief.
Although it is permissible for you to
speak with other dominants and uncollared submissives as you will, do not
become a nuisance. Unwanted sexual advances or groping is not
acceptable behavior.
If you see someone with a collar on, it's safest to assume that they are
collared and owned by another. Do not approach or speak to the submissive without first addressing their dominant and asking permission.
When you see that there are people waiting to use equipment, don't do a two hour
scene.
Be respectful and polite towards all others, dominants and submissives alike.
If someone breaks protocol with you or yours, don't embarrass them over it or get angry. Simply let them know of the restriction in place (i.e. your girl can't speak without permission) and let it go.
An apology for not letting them know ahead of time is a great way to handle it.
For example, "I'm sorry. I should have mentioned that my submissive is restricted and not able to speak to others without my permission."
It's subtle, but they'll get the message. If they are being particularly clueless, you can suggest that they get a copy of the rules from the dungeon master.
If you leash your submissive, be aware
that an unattended leash left hanging is an invitation to other tops to play
with your submissive. To prevent this, you can either put the handle
of the leash in your submissive's mouth (this is a gag condition where your
submissive is not allowed to speak) or tuck the leash handle away so that
it's not left hanging.
Public play spaces are not an appropriate place for punishment. Save punishment for any infractions your submissive may incur for later on when you and your submissive are alone and can deal with it
privately.
Remember that everyone around you is relying on you to help in maintaining an environment where proper headspace for all can be achieved.
Don't ruin it with a bad attitude or an inflated ego.
Bottoms/Submissives
 Your operative words are
"quiet", "demur", "polite",
"respectful", and "unobtrusive". In general, just as a child at an adult gathering, you are to be seen and not heard.
At all times, be respectful of your dominant and any other dominants present.
Although not an absolute requirement, referring to other dominants as Sir or
Ma'am is thought of as showing respect. Obviously, you should refer to your own dominant as
they may prefer.
If you are with your dominant, stay close and be attentive. As
your dominant walks around meeting and greeting others, stay to one side
(usually the right, but as he/she prefers) a half step behind. Stay
within five feet.
Remain quiet unless spoken to. If someone speaks to you, look to your dominant for permission to respond.
If you want to move away from your dominant for some reason, ask permission first.
If your dominant sits down, kneel or sit (as he/she prefers) at your
dominant's feet unless told otherwise.
If another dominant comes in, and you are taking up space on the furniture, immediately move to the floor to allow room.
If you are leashed by your dominant, and
he allows the leash to hang loose, that is considered an open invitation to
any other dominant to take control of your leash. Try not to be too
surprised if it should happen.
Keep an eye on your dominant's needs (i.e. drink or food). Holding the door,
taking their coat, and pulling their chair out when sitting down are all
highly visible signs of respect for your dominant.
If you need to speak to your dominant while he/she is in conversation with others, wait quietly for
recognition, and then when permission is granted, whisper your request
quietly in his/her ear. Do not get between your dominant and the
others in the conversation, but instead come from the side.
Do not interrupt conversation between dominants without good reason.
Do not argue with others or cause disruptions.
Avoid direct eye contact with dominants. Staring is never acceptable.
Save your flirtatious behavior for your dominant.
Always maintain a good attitude and smile at others. You are to be found pleasing to others. Work at it.
Always remember that your behavior is a direct reflection on your dominant.
He/she will be judged by others by how well you behave. Do not be an embarrassment to your dominant.
This page is a compilation from many
different sources including Guy Baldwin's book, "The Ties That
Bind", "BDSM Play Party Rules" on Sexuality.org, public
comments on the Formal_BDSM_GA email discussion list, and personal
discussions with many lifestyle dominants of personal acquaintance. My
thanks to all.
|