| Note: Although the author of
this piece is not personally known to me, the quality of his work and his eloquent
way of
expressing the true essence of D/s make this a must read for anyone in the lifestyle or
thinking about it. S.R. Personal view by Master Mark The desire for Dominance or submission (D/s) would appear to be inborn (rather like homosexuality, or addictive behavior). Paradoxes abound in D/s; it is a "Wonderland" of twisted meanings and odd reactions. Much of it can only be intuited, not logically described. It is extremely difficult to explain to one who has not experienced it. One of two things is likely to happen: if you are not naturally inclined towards D/s, you will still be puzzled when you have finished this. If you are, a light bulb may come on.... This essay takes the viewpoint of a male dominant and a female submissive (often referred to as MDom). This is not always the case; there are many male subs, fem doms (or dommes), and homosexual or bisexual pairings. It is also very much my own personal view, as a newcomer to the D/s scene. |
D/s is not a game; it is a lifestyle. Some may practice it only on occasion (usually by necessity; if, for example, they have children or demanding careers), while for others it is a major factor in their day-to-day lives.
The most important thing to understand, and the one most often misunderstood, is that D/s IS NOT ABUSIVE. The people who do these things do them because they DESIRE them; and will not proceed without the consent of both parties. The motto in all cases is "Safe, Sane and Consensual" (SSC); most "players" are cautious to the extent of phobia. Our partners are very precious to us; we care deeply about causing them harm. And of course there can be more danger in the psychological aspects of D/s than in the physical.
This is what separates D/s from battering; in an abusive relationship, the victim has no say in her treatment. There is no SSC involved. The only choice she may have (and that often a difficult one) is to leave.
On the contrary, a D/s couple will usually experience a closeness, a depth of caring and communication, that is unusual in "vanilla" partners. They routinely expose their innermost selves to one another; they must in order to experience the rewards to their fullest. Some even refer to it as a "psychic connection"! It takes years to build up this level of trust and communication. D/s partners of two years' experience are often heard to refer to themselves as "newbies". A lifetime is not sufficient to explore all of the possibilities made available through D/s.
The majority of submissives are not "doormats"; rather, they are usually independent, intelligent, authoritative people. As often as not, they are in management, or successfully self-employed. This paradox causes much soul-searching when a submissive discovers her "nature"; she naturally finds it puzzling (sometimes agonizing!) that she has such a strong desire to give up control when she has striven all her life to be successful and independent. Still, once they become accustomed to the idea, they find that it is not that difficult to reconcile the two roles; in essence, she is leading a double life--the successful careerist and the loving submissive!
| As I said earlier, D/s seems to be
inborn. When I discovered my dominant nature, it turned out to be something I had
"known" all along; not something I suddenly became, or decided to "try
out". What I lacked was the "definition"; the identity of belonging to the
D/s "scene". Like most, I thought of it strictly in terms of sadomasochism,
which in my mind was equivalent to abuse. This experience seems to be common to virtually
all members of the D/s community; the feelings have been there as long as they can
remember. Usually, it is quite by accident that we discover our natures; through a friend
or acquaintance, or happening across the right book. Some are fortunate enough to discover
it in their teens or twenties; others must wait longer before discovering what we've been
missing all these years....! Often this new awareness leads to great agony, as the discoverer may be married and raising a family. It speaks well of them that in most cases I've heard of, they will stay with their commitment to family rather than opt out for the lifestyle their souls crave; or if they do the latter, they usually have strong reasons apart from this new desire. |
What makes a person dominant or submissive? What are the recognizable traits? Certainly we are the most ordinary of people; it's a myth that we all naturally prefer black leather clothing and collect tattoos and piercings! (Of course, that in itself isn't unusual in these times!) Recognizing the traits within ourselves often comes just as hard. They may be suppressed because we know family, friends and society would disapprove of them, or because they seem silly. Probably the strongest repression comes of the belief that they are fantasies we will never have an opportunity to live out. For me, one of the biggest revelations came when I understood that D/s gives me an opportunity to actually experience the many things I had fantasized about!
So... how can one know? Here are some examples that many people have experienced from time to time. I'll express them from the submissive viewpoint; but it's easy to turn them around in your mind and imagine "giving" as easily as "receiving"....
Have you ever:
These are just a few examples....
The point is not whether you have experienced any of the above; you may have done several of them, or you may only have thought about them or read them in a book. (Many modern romances have quite a few of these elements!) The point is how they made you feel. Did you suddenly feel a little thrill when you experienced (or thought about) one or more of them? Did they lead up to a more intense and exciting sexual experience? Are they common fantasies, whether daydreaming or masturbating? And if so, which side did you find yourself identifying with: the "doer" or the "do-ee"?
This Is Not A Quiz; it isn't intended to help you decide "what or whether", on the spot, like one of those magazine surveys! Think of it, rather, as food for thought. And of course, if you did find yourself responding, it isn't necessarily true that you "are" a dominant or submissive; most people have some element of D/s in their nature. It does mean that it might be worth further exploration; there are references [see below] for just this purpose. You MAY discover a fascinating new world opening to you, as I did!
| Now Comes The Hard Part.... What is it that makes a dom or a sub thrill to their nature? What is it that makes D/s so fulfilling--and so much FUN?!? Well, let's start with what it isn't. As I mentioned before, it isn't about abusiveness; not really about sex, or the thrill of being "kinky". It isn't about the sub losing her identity, becoming a "doormat"; or the dom getting his rocks off by making his lady whimper. The main component of D/s is an exchange of power. A submissive will, by her nature, have a desire to make herself subservient to her partner... but of course, a very special partner, one she feels great love, respect and trust for. In a D/s relationship, the submissive gains her most intense pleasure by pleasing her partner; she is driven to find new ways to gain his praise, and perfect herself in areas where she feels she needs growth. Nothing makes her feel warmer and more loved than a whispered, "Good girl!". Quite simply, it makes her feel good to allow herself to be controlled, guided, and cherished... and the dom, her counterpart, is naturally inclined, above all else in his life, to give her these "rewards". |
Puzzled? No doubt! Again, it's terribly hard to explain to one who hasn't experienced it. The submissive, in giving up "herself" to her "master", is not giving up her identity, her sense of self; most subs will in fact become stronger, gain self knowledge and self esteem, in the process. The power she submits is returned to her; she becomes stronger and more free! (Told you D/s is full of paradoxes....)
While "bottoming" (engaging in D/s "play"), the sub experiences a phenomenon known as "subspace", which has a very hypnotic quality; a bit like that of being deeply enthralled by powerful music at high volume, or a strongly emotional movie. She becomes mesmerized, confused; she may begin to giggle helplessly, or become practically unable to speak, or understand simple directions. She also becomes very much aroused!
How does this happen? First, of course, there must be trust; a sub isn't likely to let herself go into this state in the presence of someone she isn't totally comfortable with! It is a total opening up, an exposure of her very psyche, her vulnerability. Once this level of trust is established, there are a number of ways for her to reach into this very special space inside herself; how it happens depends on the nature of the bond between dom and sub.
There are two very basic divisions in the physical aspects of D/s--those outward acts that one can actually observe: sensation (physical) and subjugation (psychological).
Sensation need not be painful; often it may involve simply being tied up (helplessness) and exposed to various sensations--such as having a feather dragged over her skin, rubbing with a rabbit fur, drops of cold (or warm) water, and so forth. Even pain is not usually "painful", per se (another paradox!) A spanking, for example, is simply not experienced as pain if it is done properly; this involves a slow warmup, with the sub sinking into her subspace; the sensation is experienced as erotic, not painful. As a physical response to the pain stimulus, the body releases endorphins (a natural chemical with some of the properties of morphine), allowing her to float away on a natural high!
| The other aspect of D/s
"play" is the psychological. It's paradoxical (again) that a submissive can
actually enjoy being humiliated, or frightened, or made subservient. Part of it is the
delicious contrast in allowing herself to give up control in a situation where she knows
she is actually "safe", because of her trust in her dominant! A bit like riding
a roller coaster; logically, she knows she's quite safe, but emotionally, she experiences
the thrilling sensation of danger. While being subjected to humiliation, or degradation, or fear, she will experience that mesmerizing loss of control; she may begin to tremble, even to cry; she experiences confusion--what's been referred to as a "deer in the headlights" feeling of frightened helplessness. The dom who knows this can begin to "play" her; give her orders, ask questions, with the knowledge that in her confused state she will be prone to make even more mistakes, leading to harsher treatment, leading to more confusion; a "vicious" cycle known as the "mindfuck". And yet, to her it is not vicious--but delicious! |
Of course, virtually all "playing" is a combination of the physical and psychological. For example, during an intensely physical scene, which may involve bondage and a good two hours of various physical torments, the dom will be careful to set the stage emotionally; he may begin "teasing" her days in advance with some special thrill he has planned for her. That evening he may build up to the event for hours before actually bringing her into the "scene"; he will pay special attention to things like lighting, music, temperature. And during the "main event" itself, he will be careful with his pacing, and may lash her with his tongue as much as any "toy"! Above all, he wants to choreograph an effective scene; make sure that she is not distracted or uncomfortable, that she gets the most out of it. Just as important is the "follow-up; after the scene, he may spend hours cuddling her, cherishing her, pampering her, making love to her; letting her know in every possible way what a very special person she is.
As I've said, most dominants are gentlemen; it's usually very difficult, even painful, to contemplate "hurting" one's beloved. Only the knowledge that she craves it so strongly, that it is not really experienced as "hurt", allows him to treat her as she desires. But this is not to say that he doesn't enjoy it; he wouldn't be a dom if he didn't! He may spend hours savoring the thought of something new he has planned for her, selecting music, shopping for just the right "toy&quo t;, or building a very special piece of equipment. But behind it all, there is always the knowledge of responsibility for this very special person who has placed her very being in his hands....
An important thing to understand is that D/s is a two-way street. There is a strong element of both trust and communication required to make it work, to last, to grow to its maximum potential. The trust is obvious; it's difficult to contemplate putting one's body and soul under the control--even temporarily--of someone you don't trust! And it is fragile; if it is ever broken, restoring it is very difficult, if not impossible.
Communication is a tricky issue for a submissive. She has a strong compulsion to give pleasure in whatever ways she is asked; she finds it difficult to communicate displeasure, or to let the dom know if there is something particular that she desires. An intelligent dom will thus pay special attention to her needs; watching carefully to see that she isn't made uncomfortable (even in small ways, like feeling cold), insisting on honest communication (usually through earnest daily discussion). And there is an added bonus: Because trust and communication are so important, they are enjoyed to a much greater degree than most couples experience them--even to the extent, as I mentioned before, of an almost "psychic connection"!
Another paradoxical aspect is the use of "punishment" in D/s. While the dom may on rare occasions find it necessary to "discipline" his partner for some real transgression (usually involving an ongoing problem in the areas of trust or communication), it is generally not good to punish one's sub for real-life issues. This usually leads to major stress in the relationship, and often its downfall. Therefore, more often, such issues are dealt with through serious, intense discussion rather than disciplinary action.
"Pun"ishment should rather be fun! As an excuse for play, the dom may set up arbitrary, often even ridiculous rules; the sub, in breaking them (perhaps intentionally!) thus opens the way for her discipline. While "pun"ishment is something a submissive often dreads, it should also be something she looks forward to with great anticipation!
Of course, I've been treating this quite seriously throughout; as I said at the beginning, D/s is not a game. And yet, in a sense, it IS! It's a lifelong game of personal interaction, of playful teasing and tongue-in-cheek pomposity; of outrageous kinkiness and helpless laughter. Quite simply, while it has its serious, tender, and touching moments, one must never lose sight of the fact that it's also just plain fun!
Quoting Thomas Harris, author of "I'm OK, You're OK", who popularized the concept that each of us embodies three personas, the parent, the adult, and the child: "When a man and a woman go into the bedroom to make love, they should leave the parent outside the door, and leave the adult there to keep him company. Then they can go in as two children to romp and play with abandon."
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Maintained
By Sir Real |
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